Part 1

How Do You Think Jan And Steven
Really Died, Karen? (Richard Dow – 1989)
 
I remember...
During the first four years of our relationship, Richard Dow exhibited bizarre, violent, threatening, deceptive, isolating, callous and indifferent behavior. 
 
I remember...
Dow’s lies, his threats, his shaking fist in my face.  
 
Watching him violently punch himself in his face or chest and hearing him shout at me, “Do you know what I’d like to do to you right now?  Do you know what I feel like doing to you? This, and this, and this!”
 
I remember...
Standing so still when he would angrily pick up household objects and throw them in my direction and the feeling of relief I felt when the flying objects  missed me. 
 
Dow angrily stomping out and when he returned listening to him tell me that he destroys “things” he likes. 
 
I remember...
My intense feelings of anxiety when he would angrily screech off in his truck, disappearing for hours on end, and be so worried that he would end up hurting himself or someone else. 
 
The cruel silence, cold unresponsiveness, and callous indifference he displayed when my son skidded on some sand in the road and fell off his bike on the roadway, laying hurt and crying right in front of him.
 
I remember...
The times he would erupt and then end up curling up into a tight little ball warning me not to come near, to not touch him right then. 
 
Listening to him tell me how he felt an overwhelming sense of powerlessness – that he had no power – that he had no control – that I had all the power – that I had all the control. 

I remember...
The day the three of us were in the car on a family day adventure when, out of the blue, he erupted over something I had said.  He exited the highway, turned the car around, and said; “We’re not going anywhere now”, drove home without saying another word, parked the car, got out of the car, slammed the door, and walked away.
 
Listening to him blame me for decisions he made which he later regretted - for mistakes he made – for his eruptions. 
 
I remember...
Over time, I recognized that Dow’s eruptions were deliberately contrived and were controlled. I recognized that the purpose of these “eruptions” were meant to intimidate, to bully, to control, and to give to him the feeling of power he craved so much.  When I began to stop reacting to his “explosions” right away his actions became more emphasized and began to escalate.
 
I remember...
Listening to him tell me that he only acted this way in one other place, and that was as a law enforcement officer when he felt threatened.  I remember listening to him yell at me that I was a threat to him – that I was a threat to his psyche!
 
The time Dow erupted, threatened me, and then stood up.  I stood up too.  He pushed me down.  I scrambled back up.  My instincts told me to immediately move in, instead of running away from him.  My instincts told me to immediately respond in a strong [but not physical] manner.  I moved in very close, looked him squarely in the eye, and stated very seriously, pointedly, calmly and evenly not to ever touch me like that again.  He backed off.
 
I remember...
My son, to this day, speaks about one episode he vividly remembers that took place before he was 10.  He describes it as Dow being angry, and yelling.  He watched as Dow picked up a cactus and threw it at me.
 
I remember...
Trying to speak with Dow about these things time and time again.  Dow never claimed any responsibility for his conduct.  He always found something else to blame his conduct on, including me.
 
Living each day in a state of intense fear. 
 
I remember...
Thinking Dow wanted to kill me.  I became convinced Dow would kill me.  I worried he might try to poison me.  I became very cautious about what my son and I ate and began implementing safety measures regarding food.
 
When my fear began to manifest itself into physical symptoms. I became just about paralyzed with my fear of Dow, and thought a heart attack was eminent.  I began to see a doctor. Dow continued his violent and bizarre behavior.
 
I remember...
Wondering if I was crazy and being irrational.  I remember not wanting to die, but at the same time wanting die, so that I could be free, and having to fight the urge to take control of when and how I died away from Dow, and away from God.
 
I remember...
I had never witnessed this type of behavior from anyone before in my life.  I could find no logic for his behavior.  My street instincts [gut feelings] had begun to strongly come into play.  I couldn’t understand why.  My street instincts were telling me to be in a constant state of alert, that Dow had a desire to hurt me, to kill me. I could not reconcile my street instincts with my intellectual mind. He had been a law enforcement officer, for goodness sake!  He was a good guy, right?  He respected and had upheld the law, hadn’t he?  I began to think there was something wrong with me, not him.
 
I remember...
The day I invited a friend over for lunch.  Dow was not supposed to be home, he was supposed to be out working.  Dow knew she was coming.  She was highly knowledgeable about and involved in domestic violence issues.  Dow did not know why I really wanted to see her, but he knew her background, and that I had been trying understand his “explosions” for so long. 
 
I needed to speak about my fear.  I needed to find out why my street instincts were coming out so strongly.  I needed to find out if I was being irrational … to find out if I was going crazy … to try and make sense out of all of this.  Was it me? Was it him?  What was this???  Help me to understand!
 
Dow didn’t leave the house that day, he decided not to work.  When my friend arrived, he sat with us and took over the conversation, and began speaking about  domestic violence issues.  He spoke about how strongly he stood against it, and mentioned domestic violence incidents he had responded to as a law enforcement officer.  She seemed to be buying into it.  I knew she had when he arranged a public speaking date with her to talk about domestic violence to a group. 
 
A light went out in me...I felt so alone.  No one would believe me.  No one would be able to help me.
 
I responded to this feeling of despair as I had done when I was young.  I just turned my head away, stood up without saying a word, and walked away.  I left the room. I didn’t return. I knew Dow was not going to let me talk to her alone.  He could charm anyone he set out to charm, even my most knowledgeable friend – or so I thought and believed at the time.  
 
I went into one of the bedrooms and busied myself with doing some cleaning in an attempt to distract myself.  I went to the farthest point in the house away from Dow.